How to be "Alternative"
"Alternative" seems to be a phrase that everyone is throwing around these days. But what exactly is it and how do we do it too? It's the new chic way of life, dressing in vintage clothing, found in op-shops, making yourself look like a hobo; it also involves listening to underground or "indie" music; the final ingredient to being "alternative" is the most rebellious and crucial of them all: you must spend a majority of your time smoking legal highs and looking obnoxious with all of your friends who dress exactly like you. This all really says something people, considering being alternative is meant to refer to leading an unconventional lifestyle. Now, I've been called one of these "alternative" kids myself, so I think I'm the ideal person to instruct you on how to be "alternative."
Firstly, you're going to need to invest in two staple fashion items: large, slightly obnoxious, lenseless glasses and over-sized heaphones that make you look like an alien. Being "alternative" nowadays is about looking as much as everyone else as possible. Bo Burnham puts this perfectly, "like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same, never want to conform," in his song 'Love Is...' The perfect way to not conform is obviously to copy the fashion and lifestyle choices of everyone else. Next, you're going to have to buy plenty of jerseys that are reminiscent of David Bain's glorious fashion statements, if you can't find an appropriate jersey then raid your grandfather's closet for an over-sized cardigan, he's sure to have one. An over-sized, ironic-but-no-so-ironic t-shirt is next, something that references a cultural phenomenon such as Star Wars or an obscure band that no one else has heard of is ideal. The final fashion item to complete your "alternative" look is ripped tights, the more ripped, the better, this fashion article involes a bit of DIY on your part but it is sure to pay off. No pants are necessary, after all, you're "alternative" now.
"Alternative" kids are known for their seemingly nonchalant attitude towards everything. So to be alternative in a social setting all you are going to need to do is sit around with your alternative friends, not talking, instead you should be smoking the new society-friendly drug, Kronic. You should never acknowledge anyone who is not a part of your social group. If they are not alternative, they are not worth your time. The one thing, it seems, that "alternative" kids care about is music; the more obscure the music is, the more alternative you will seem.
Congratulations, if you've listened my advice, you're now alternative or, as alternative as being alternative is these days. If you're still reading this, you've failed, I'm not alternative enough to garner your attention.
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