How to be a Groupie

Every little girl dreams of being a princess - not me, for as long as I can remember I wanted to be one thing, a groupie. There may be many reasons for this, I like to think that the main reason has something to do with my childhood. While other girls spent their time watching Disney Princesses on screen and aspiring to be just like them, I memorized every song and dance move that the Wiggles could throw at me. I adored those men. You know what the Wiggles had going for them? They always wore bright colours, what child could resist bright colours and catchy music? I sure couldn't. As I approached adolescence my obsession with music, musicians in particular, grew. I was lucky, or not so lucky, depending on the way you look at it, to grow up in the '90s; the era of boy bands. They were a virus that I'm glad to have since abolished from my system. Boy bands did teach me one valuable thing however - that there is no better trait in a man than to be able to serenade you. You're here because you want to learn how to be a groupie. I assure you, it's not as simple as you think and instead of teaching you to be a groupie, I'm going to teach you to be a Band Aid. What is a "Band Aid," you ask? I'll let Penny Lane, a character from Almost Famous explain, "We are not groupies. Groupies sleep with rock stars because they want to be near someone famous. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are Band Aids."

You're going to need to define what kind of Band Aid you want to be. There is the type of Band Aid who is happy just to learn every song and every fact about the band, and to attend every one of their concerts. The other type of Band Aid, the one I will be focusing on, is the type who wants to meet and "hang out" with the band. The latter type of Band Aid wishes to infect the band with her, or his, charm and become a part of the entourage that inspires the music. Have you ever had someone write a song about you? No? I assure you, it's a heavenly experience.

The biggest step towards becoming a Band Aid is meeting the band. You see some people who have an almost parasitic grasp on the band. This is what we want to avoid, this is a groupie. You're going to want to have a charming yet detached aura about you. Now, I know you're asking "why?" and that is simple, the more aloof and mysterious you are, the more interesting the musicians will find you. Bands are so used to girls or boys for that matter, fawning all over them and eventually these groupies begin to irritate like a rash and the band will probably go to extreme lengths (we're talking herbal remedies) to get rid of them. To avoid making a bad impression you are going to want to seem approachable but not so friendly that they mistake you for an overbearing fan - we don't want a Belieber situation going on here. Now that we've covered the basics, lets meet the band. Have you watched a band perform a set? Did you enjoy it? If so, then you're best option is to compliment certain members of the band. I'd go with the drummer but this is a personal choice. I warn you however, don't go straight for the lead singer. The lead singer is generally the most arrogant and self-absorbed member of the band. You're going to need to create a rapport with the other members before you can tackle the daunting task of meeting the lead singer.

Band Aids are all about inspiring the music and now that you've met the band, you can start to influence their music. To inspire the music, you're going to need to have something contagious about you. Not an STI, get your mind out of the gutter! In saying that though, one of the Kings of Leon's biggest hits - Sex on Fire (I'm sure you remember that wee tune) was all about sexual transmitted infections. Anyway, back on topic, you're going to need a contagious personality, you're going to want to be charming, funny and most of all supportive of their lifestyle choices. The last point is particularly important because like most people, musicians need a support system and if you can find a way into this, they'll be writing songs about you in no time.

You also need to know a little something about music or else you're going to seem like a bit of an idiot and will be venturing into groupie territory. It isn't entirely necessary to know everything about the technical aspects of music, however some knowledge is advised. Why? You need to be able to contribute to conversations because a large majority of time musicians are discussing music with other musicians.

Musicians really aren't as cool as they seem to be. They give off a mysterious, brooding and sexy vibe but really they're just normal people. Being a Band Aid is a hard task and if you intend to follow my advice I must give you one warning: don't get too attached. There is always someone else who can inspire the band, just like you and if you keep this warning in mind, you'll be a brilliant Band Aid. I began this advice piece with the intention of teaching you how to be a Band Aid, I quoted Penny Lane and to finish, I will quote her again, "I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If ya never take it seriously, you never get hurt. If ya never get hurt, you always have fun. And if ya ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends."

n.b. this was the draft and is unedited. I don't have the final version on my computer sorry.